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“I am feeling incredibly raw at the moment, perhaps it’s because there is nothing to look forward to, perhaps it’s because I know that this mess of a pandemic and lockdown is an ongoing matter and I find it hard to escape from this feeling..”

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 15.02.2020

So I am struggling to finish writing so this is kind of another split post across two weeks, funny the patterns we fall into to survive…

You know, I forget that when I tell other people that I am “mad”, that maybe they don’t react as receptively as I would hope. Admittedly, I come across as someone who is put together with very few people having the so-called fortune of seeing me in a full blown meltdown or shutdown. Yet, I know there are things about my behaviour that really highlight to me that there’s something different about my way of interacting with the world. Of course, like with other aspects of my behaviour, I have learnt to tone it down however, occasionally, I catch people’s eyes when I can see that they think maybe there’s something a little strange about me. Recently, I have felt really fragile and triggered by a whole host of behaviour from others and whilst I have spiralled on some level, I am really trying to fight to survive through this experience. There’s elements of these situations that make me wonder whether in fact, I have a big sign above my head that says, my life has made me vulnerable and whilst I tried the whole tough exterior, I am actually soft and gooey on the outside…please throw your emotional abuse my way because I won’t complain.

The truth is a little more complicated than that and comes down to a few different things such as my ability to not feel the need to care at times. Well, not about some things and then far too much about others. Whilst I am mostly better at letting go of things that go wrong in my life, when I get to those moments where it feels like I am failing at everything I do, all those little things I thought I let go of, they appear and drown me in a sea of all my shortcomings. Honestly, I can’t really imagine the feeling that other people have around these things. 

I am feeling incredibly raw at the moment, perhaps it’s because there is nothing to look forward to, perhaps it’s because I know that this mess of the pandemic and the lockdown is an ongoing matter and so I find it hard to escape from this feeling. Genuinely though I have no clue! I am almost at a stage where I feel like everything seems pointless because, well it really is pointless. I don’t think this feeling will last or at least I hope it won’t but you can tell my partner has given up the will to live and we’re both just back in survival mode again. I do speculate that in some ways we are best placed to deal with this long term situation of external imposed restrictions but also, we hate being controlled and so, this is nothing like our existence battling long term mental health illnesses. On top of that, we are in a pandemic whilst also experiencing huge amounts of anxiety and depression. Last night for example, my eyes hurt so you could tell that I was tired but it took me hours to fall asleep. In less than two weeks, I have fallen from this hyper productive version of myself to the version that is unsure if she wants to survive.

So, my birthday was intense, I missed my family, my friends…I got three cakes and lots of baked goods, cried a lot because I felt let down by everyone which probably came from the unknown and the expectation. It really hit home that I was missing these people who make my life into this special place with a special energy that makes me sometimes forget the contents of my own mind. That said, I was super touched by friends of mine who I never expected to do anything, doing something special for me….

This week has been a trainwreck, barely being able to muster up the energy to care about my life. On Thursday, I took my first sick day off since I started this job and it felt like a monumental failure. When I called my parents in tears, on the verge of giving up, I really did feel that immensely in my soul. The privilege that I have that my parents aren’t too far is one of the reasons I know that whilst I would love to travel, live in other places, it would mean giving up a huge part of my support and I don’t feel that strong without them. We have healthy boundaries but when I am in crisis, knowing that they are a phone call away and have taken me home in the past, gives me a sense of stability like no other. Yet, I am struggling, in a way that makes me worry that I survived my last breakdown for nothing. I do these little things such as being in spaces with people like me, which helps. Honestly, like other people feel, I just want this nightmare to end because it’s pushing me to the edge.

One more thing before I finish is that I am unsure whether I can rebuild a sustainable life in the constraints of a pandemic. The feeling that maybe all I can do is survive is maybe enough. I’m over capacity, my mind is chaos and I know even sleep won’t fix anything.

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