Putting my needs first has been something that I constantly have to consider…

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 25.04.2021 TW: Suicide, death, bereavement. I’m feeling really anxious again, not sure why but I feel like I have so much on my mind and so much that I need to do. All I feel like I do at the moment is focus on getting through the day but it feels like there’sContinue reading “Putting my needs first has been something that I constantly have to consider…”

“I’m back… it’s been a while since I’ve been able to write. I do love writing in this way and… after being inspired by a fellow diarist saying they’d written this week, I felt that now was as good a time as any.”

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 09.04.2021 I’m back…So it’s been a while since I’ve been able to write and part of that has been because I feel as if I have been busy with so many things and part of it is just lack of motivation. I do love writing in this way and have seen the benefitsContinue reading ““I’m back… it’s been a while since I’ve been able to write. I do love writing in this way and… after being inspired by a fellow diarist saying they’d written this week, I felt that now was as good a time as any.””

“I am feeling incredibly raw at the moment, perhaps it’s because there is nothing to look forward to, perhaps it’s because I know that this mess of a pandemic and lockdown is an ongoing matter and I find it hard to escape from this feeling..”

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 15.02.2020 So I am struggling to finish writing so this is kind of another split post across two weeks, funny the patterns we fall into to survive… You know, I forget that when I tell other people that I am “mad”, that maybe they don’t react as receptively as I would hope. Admittedly, IContinue reading ““I am feeling incredibly raw at the moment, perhaps it’s because there is nothing to look forward to, perhaps it’s because I know that this mess of a pandemic and lockdown is an ongoing matter and I find it hard to escape from this feeling..””

“I want to remind any health professional that the most difficult situations, at least for me, arose from being treated like I had no understanding or agency over my life and decisions.”

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 2.02.2020 TW: Bereavement So I have been struggling to dedicate time the last few weeks. I wrote this a few weeks ago and I wanted to share this first to set the context of where my head has been… This week has made me worry that I am overdoing everything. It feels almostContinue reading ““I want to remind any health professional that the most difficult situations, at least for me, arose from being treated like I had no understanding or agency over my life and decisions.””

“I accept that the things that make me seem mad are also the things that make me incredibly productive, a loyal friend and someone with buckets full of empathy.”

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 12.01.2020 TW: Suicidal thoughts Everything feels overwhelming but not in the way that you would expect; I actually feel like my life is slowly coming together. If you’d told me two weeks ago that I would have managed to sleep before midnight for a week as well as waking up before 7am, IContinue reading ““I accept that the things that make me seem mad are also the things that make me incredibly productive, a loyal friend and someone with buckets full of empathy.””

“It feels like we are back to where we were in April. I miss my parents in ways that I can’t comprehend, which leaves me unable to communicate with them because I feel like it creates too much internal pain”.

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 4.01.2020 TW: Suicidal thoughts Wow, I didn’t realise until I am writing now that I took such a long break from this. Last week was a complete disaster as apparently taking a break from everything was not the reset that I hoped for leading to strange sleeping schedules (5am – 5pm), no showering,Continue reading ““It feels like we are back to where we were in April. I miss my parents in ways that I can’t comprehend, which leaves me unable to communicate with them because I feel like it creates too much internal pain”.”

“Praise is something that I have learnt to accept, but I don’t think I will ever accept praise from myself. Writing in this blog has allowed me to put myself out there but I never expected anybody to care about what I have to say.”

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 14.12.2020 Last week has been a rollercoaster of really good moments and really weird feelings of being overwhelmed with the anxiety of life. Let’s start with the terrible stuff because well, I’m feeling a lot of anxiety still. Since Friday, I have been feeling debilitating anxiety, worrying about every little thing possible and beforeContinue reading ““Praise is something that I have learnt to accept, but I don’t think I will ever accept praise from myself. Writing in this blog has allowed me to put myself out there but I never expected anybody to care about what I have to say.””

“I thought I’d just check the headlines and there was something absurd about the government having to use military planes for the vaccine because of Brexit and I wanted to laugh to stop myself from crying.”

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 07.12.2020 As always, I seem to have a habit of leaving things until the last minute, which is what has happened with writing today. That said, I don’t think I really took much time out to relax today as it’s been ongoing. When I left work, I caught up with a friend whoContinue reading ““I thought I’d just check the headlines and there was something absurd about the government having to use military planes for the vaccine because of Brexit and I wanted to laugh to stop myself from crying.””

“My life has always been about surviving rather than thriving”

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 02.12.2020 TW: Bereavement My week has been intense and I’m struggling to figure out when the intensity will stop. I wish that it would be over and I could truly rest but I feel like this is an ongoing struggle and I need to carve out some time for myself. Even sleep doesn’tContinue reading ““My life has always been about surviving rather than thriving””

I overheard a group of people walking past me questioning how terrible 2020 has been for them. Yet I realised that compared to 2019, for me, 2020 has been so much better.

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 24.11.2020 TW: Self-harm, Bereavement This week has been so crazily busy for me, but one thing that I did manage to do was have Saturday where I took a break from screens (tv, laptop and phone), which for me felt completely different from anything that I’d experienced in a while. Whilst I wasContinue reading “I overheard a group of people walking past me questioning how terrible 2020 has been for them. Yet I realised that compared to 2019, for me, 2020 has been so much better.”

The pandemic is still affecting my mental health, causing me to feel anxious and overwhelmed. I made a decision a few days ago to disconnect from online news, but weirdly, it’s given me a sense of emptiness.

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 16.11.2020 TW: It’s been a challenging week, where I felt like I reached breaking point on multiple occasions. However, I think whilst I experienced elements of burn out, I have found that I have been able to recharge over the weekend. The most important part that I have been able to recognise isContinue reading “The pandemic is still affecting my mental health, causing me to feel anxious and overwhelmed. I made a decision a few days ago to disconnect from online news, but weirdly, it’s given me a sense of emptiness.”

My week has mostly consisted of watching a lot of CNN, though hilariously, when the election was finally called for Biden, I only found out by the excited texts from my friends and family.

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 10.11.2020 TW: Bereavement My week has mostly consisted of watching a lot of CNN and their ‘Key Race alerts’, though hilariously, when the election was finally called for Biden, I only found out by the excited texts from my friends and family. Although the whole situation has given me a lot of anxietyContinue reading “My week has mostly consisted of watching a lot of CNN, though hilariously, when the election was finally called for Biden, I only found out by the excited texts from my friends and family.”

As someone with lived experience, who has fed back into the system, I have never really felt like my voice has ever been heard. For the first time, I realised I was hearing the voices of people who needed to be heard.

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 2.11.2020 TW: Bereavement It’s been about a week since the funeral of my uncle and today, in particular, I have been feeling very disconnected from his loss. In some ways, it’s similar to how I felt after the death of my other uncle last year – in that time away from them, softenedContinue reading “As someone with lived experience, who has fed back into the system, I have never really felt like my voice has ever been heard. For the first time, I realised I was hearing the voices of people who needed to be heard.”

When we speak about the arts, music and culture, it’s so important we acknowledge the freedom that it gives us in our lives. The ability to step back from reality, even if it’s for an hour or in some cases, the whole night.

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 26.10.2020 TW: Bereavement What a long week, which has brought a whole host of challenges that I could not have predicted a week ago. My partner went into complete shutdown, barely interacting with me; my mum has been staying with us; I have barely been able to sleep, let alone function in aContinue reading “When we speak about the arts, music and culture, it’s so important we acknowledge the freedom that it gives us in our lives. The ability to step back from reality, even if it’s for an hour or in some cases, the whole night.”

In this pandemic, we might suddenly realise that the conditions we live in cause people to experience mental health illnesses

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 19.10.2020 TW: Bereavement This week has been pretty difficult – my uncle died on Saturday. He’d been in hospital and it wasn’t the first time that we’d been waiting to see how his recovery would proceed after he’d been in hospital. In some ways, I’m grateful as the pandemic protected me from seeingContinue reading “In this pandemic, we might suddenly realise that the conditions we live in cause people to experience mental health illnesses”

The news is driving me crazy, our government seems to have decided PR is more important than people’s lives and their livelihood.

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 12.10.2020 I’m angry. I want to throw something. I feel like in spite of all the work I have done on myself in the past year, I am getting dragged back into the dysfunctional drama that causes me so much anxiety. I feel the increase in the emotional claustrophobia that threatens my existence, thatContinue reading “The news is driving me crazy, our government seems to have decided PR is more important than people’s lives and their livelihood.”

If I’m supposed to survive the impending feeling of doom that has been created by the pandemic, I am going to have to find things to look forward to doing.

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 6.10.2020 The last few days have been a real strain on my sense of being. The way I visualise it is a tug of war inside my head between all my different needs. A great example is that on one hand, I am still doing basic functions like eating and on the otherContinue reading “If I’m supposed to survive the impending feeling of doom that has been created by the pandemic, I am going to have to find things to look forward to doing.”

I only now realise that my whole life has been this internal struggle between the person that society wants me to be and the person that I am.

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 28.9.2020 On the way to work today, I had some idea about what I wanted to write about but right now, sitting here in the semi dark, I am struggling to recall or function when all I am able to think about is how much I want to sleep. Last week was reallyContinue reading “I only now realise that my whole life has been this internal struggle between the person that society wants me to be and the person that I am.”

As a daughter of parents’ who have themselves inherited so much trauma from their parents, was I always going to be this way? All I do know is the concept of who I am is constantly moving and adapting.

As a daughter of parents’ who have themselves inherited so much trauma from their parents, was I always going to be this way? All I do know is the concept of who I am is constantly moving and adapting.

Sunitha’s #MadCovidDiaries

The biggest hurdle that I’ve managed to overcome in the last six months is accepting myself. Writing for this blog has allowed me to open up in different ways and own all the parts of me.

Sunitha’s #MadCovidDiaries – 8 September 2020
I embrace the fact that I am having a terrible week but that all I can do is survive. Survive to maybe have the possibility of living again.