Sunitha

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 I’m Sunny, 29 years old and of South Asian background. I live in London with my partner of almost 7 years who has generalised anxiety disorder. I’ve been out of work for just over a year now as a result of my mental health. I love singing in my community choir, dancing like nothing else matters and more recently getting involved with activism. 

Sunitha’s #MadCovidDiaries

Putting my needs first has been something that I constantly have to consider…

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 25.04.2021 TW: Suicide, death, bereavement. I’m feeling really anxious again, not sure why but I feel like I have so much on my mind and so much that I need to do. All I feel like I do at the moment is focus on getting through the day but it feels like there’sContinue reading “Putting my needs first has been something that I constantly have to consider…”

“I’m back… it’s been a while since I’ve been able to write. I do love writing in this way and… after being inspired by a fellow diarist saying they’d written this week, I felt that now was as good a time as any.”

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 09.04.2021 I’m back…So it’s been a while since I’ve been able to write and part of that has been because I feel as if I have been busy with so many things and part of it is just lack of motivation. I do love writing in this way and have seen the benefitsContinue reading ““I’m back… it’s been a while since I’ve been able to write. I do love writing in this way and… after being inspired by a fellow diarist saying they’d written this week, I felt that now was as good a time as any.””

“I am feeling incredibly raw at the moment, perhaps it’s because there is nothing to look forward to, perhaps it’s because I know that this mess of a pandemic and lockdown is an ongoing matter and I find it hard to escape from this feeling..”

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 15.02.2020 So I am struggling to finish writing so this is kind of another split post across two weeks, funny the patterns we fall into to survive… You know, I forget that when I tell other people that I am “mad”, that maybe they don’t react as receptively as I would hope. Admittedly, IContinue reading ““I am feeling incredibly raw at the moment, perhaps it’s because there is nothing to look forward to, perhaps it’s because I know that this mess of a pandemic and lockdown is an ongoing matter and I find it hard to escape from this feeling..””

“I want to remind any health professional that the most difficult situations, at least for me, arose from being treated like I had no understanding or agency over my life and decisions.”

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 2.02.2020 TW: Bereavement So I have been struggling to dedicate time the last few weeks. I wrote this a few weeks ago and I wanted to share this first to set the context of where my head has been… This week has made me worry that I am overdoing everything. It feels almostContinue reading ““I want to remind any health professional that the most difficult situations, at least for me, arose from being treated like I had no understanding or agency over my life and decisions.””

“I accept that the things that make me seem mad are also the things that make me incredibly productive, a loyal friend and someone with buckets full of empathy.”

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 12.01.2020 TW: Suicidal thoughts Everything feels overwhelming but not in the way that you would expect; I actually feel like my life is slowly coming together. If you’d told me two weeks ago that I would have managed to sleep before midnight for a week as well as waking up before 7am, IContinue reading ““I accept that the things that make me seem mad are also the things that make me incredibly productive, a loyal friend and someone with buckets full of empathy.””

“It feels like we are back to where we were in April. I miss my parents in ways that I can’t comprehend, which leaves me unable to communicate with them because I feel like it creates too much internal pain”.

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 4.01.2020 TW: Suicidal thoughts Wow, I didn’t realise until I am writing now that I took such a long break from this. Last week was a complete disaster as apparently taking a break from everything was not the reset that I hoped for leading to strange sleeping schedules (5am – 5pm), no showering,Continue reading ““It feels like we are back to where we were in April. I miss my parents in ways that I can’t comprehend, which leaves me unable to communicate with them because I feel like it creates too much internal pain”.”

“Praise is something that I have learnt to accept, but I don’t think I will ever accept praise from myself. Writing in this blog has allowed me to put myself out there but I never expected anybody to care about what I have to say.”

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 14.12.2020 Last week has been a rollercoaster of really good moments and really weird feelings of being overwhelmed with the anxiety of life. Let’s start with the terrible stuff because well, I’m feeling a lot of anxiety still. Since Friday, I have been feeling debilitating anxiety, worrying about every little thing possible and beforeContinue reading ““Praise is something that I have learnt to accept, but I don’t think I will ever accept praise from myself. Writing in this blog has allowed me to put myself out there but I never expected anybody to care about what I have to say.””

“I thought I’d just check the headlines and there was something absurd about the government having to use military planes for the vaccine because of Brexit and I wanted to laugh to stop myself from crying.”

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 07.12.2020 As always, I seem to have a habit of leaving things until the last minute, which is what has happened with writing today. That said, I don’t think I really took much time out to relax today as it’s been ongoing. When I left work, I caught up with a friend whoContinue reading ““I thought I’d just check the headlines and there was something absurd about the government having to use military planes for the vaccine because of Brexit and I wanted to laugh to stop myself from crying.””

“My life has always been about surviving rather than thriving”

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 02.12.2020 TW: Bereavement My week has been intense and I’m struggling to figure out when the intensity will stop. I wish that it would be over and I could truly rest but I feel like this is an ongoing struggle and I need to carve out some time for myself. Even sleep doesn’tContinue reading ““My life has always been about surviving rather than thriving””

I overheard a group of people walking past me questioning how terrible 2020 has been for them. Yet I realised that compared to 2019, for me, 2020 has been so much better.

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 24.11.2020 TW: Self-harm, Bereavement This week has been so crazily busy for me, but one thing that I did manage to do was have Saturday where I took a break from screens (tv, laptop and phone), which for me felt completely different from anything that I’d experienced in a while. Whilst I wasContinue reading “I overheard a group of people walking past me questioning how terrible 2020 has been for them. Yet I realised that compared to 2019, for me, 2020 has been so much better.”

The pandemic is still affecting my mental health, causing me to feel anxious and overwhelmed. I made a decision a few days ago to disconnect from online news, but weirdly, it’s given me a sense of emptiness.

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 16.11.2020 TW: It’s been a challenging week, where I felt like I reached breaking point on multiple occasions. However, I think whilst I experienced elements of burn out, I have found that I have been able to recharge over the weekend. The most important part that I have been able to recognise isContinue reading “The pandemic is still affecting my mental health, causing me to feel anxious and overwhelmed. I made a decision a few days ago to disconnect from online news, but weirdly, it’s given me a sense of emptiness.”

My week has mostly consisted of watching a lot of CNN, though hilariously, when the election was finally called for Biden, I only found out by the excited texts from my friends and family.

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 10.11.2020 TW: Bereavement My week has mostly consisted of watching a lot of CNN and their ‘Key Race alerts’, though hilariously, when the election was finally called for Biden, I only found out by the excited texts from my friends and family. Although the whole situation has given me a lot of anxietyContinue reading “My week has mostly consisted of watching a lot of CNN, though hilariously, when the election was finally called for Biden, I only found out by the excited texts from my friends and family.”

As someone with lived experience, who has fed back into the system, I have never really felt like my voice has ever been heard. For the first time, I realised I was hearing the voices of people who needed to be heard.

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 2.11.2020 TW: Bereavement It’s been about a week since the funeral of my uncle and today, in particular, I have been feeling very disconnected from his loss. In some ways, it’s similar to how I felt after the death of my other uncle last year – in that time away from them, softenedContinue reading “As someone with lived experience, who has fed back into the system, I have never really felt like my voice has ever been heard. For the first time, I realised I was hearing the voices of people who needed to be heard.”

When we speak about the arts, music and culture, it’s so important we acknowledge the freedom that it gives us in our lives. The ability to step back from reality, even if it’s for an hour or in some cases, the whole night.

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 26.10.2020 TW: Bereavement What a long week, which has brought a whole host of challenges that I could not have predicted a week ago. My partner went into complete shutdown, barely interacting with me; my mum has been staying with us; I have barely been able to sleep, let alone function in aContinue reading “When we speak about the arts, music and culture, it’s so important we acknowledge the freedom that it gives us in our lives. The ability to step back from reality, even if it’s for an hour or in some cases, the whole night.”

In this pandemic, we might suddenly realise that the conditions we live in cause people to experience mental health illnesses

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 19.10.2020 TW: Bereavement This week has been pretty difficult – my uncle died on Saturday. He’d been in hospital and it wasn’t the first time that we’d been waiting to see how his recovery would proceed after he’d been in hospital. In some ways, I’m grateful as the pandemic protected me from seeingContinue reading “In this pandemic, we might suddenly realise that the conditions we live in cause people to experience mental health illnesses”

The news is driving me crazy, our government seems to have decided PR is more important than people’s lives and their livelihood.

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 12.10.2020 I’m angry. I want to throw something. I feel like in spite of all the work I have done on myself in the past year, I am getting dragged back into the dysfunctional drama that causes me so much anxiety. I feel the increase in the emotional claustrophobia that threatens my existence, thatContinue reading “The news is driving me crazy, our government seems to have decided PR is more important than people’s lives and their livelihood.”

If I’m supposed to survive the impending feeling of doom that has been created by the pandemic, I am going to have to find things to look forward to doing.

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 6.10.2020 The last few days have been a real strain on my sense of being. The way I visualise it is a tug of war inside my head between all my different needs. A great example is that on one hand, I am still doing basic functions like eating and on the otherContinue reading “If I’m supposed to survive the impending feeling of doom that has been created by the pandemic, I am going to have to find things to look forward to doing.”

I only now realise that my whole life has been this internal struggle between the person that society wants me to be and the person that I am.

Sunitha‘s #MadCovidDiaries 28.9.2020 On the way to work today, I had some idea about what I wanted to write about but right now, sitting here in the semi dark, I am struggling to recall or function when all I am able to think about is how much I want to sleep. Last week was reallyContinue reading “I only now realise that my whole life has been this internal struggle between the person that society wants me to be and the person that I am.”

The outside world for me has always felt scary. In that respect, the pandemic has set me back.

Sunitha’s #MadCovidDiaries 31.8.2020  This week has been almost normal. I saw my family on the weekend, had lunch with my mum’s cousin and peeled a lot of apples. Okay, the last part is definitely not a normal week but there was something about peeling apples that felt vaguely cathartic, something that I imagine normal peopleContinue reading “The outside world for me has always felt scary. In that respect, the pandemic has set me back.”

COVID19: At its peak, around a thousand loved ones dying became an everyday phenomenon.

Sunitha’s #MadCovidDiaries 25.9.2020  Interactions and friendships with people have always been a challenge for me. There are times when I speak to people and all the anxiety kind of disappears into the background. Other times, I realise that the interactions make me feel hyper aware and make me consider all the things that I probablyContinue reading “COVID19: At its peak, around a thousand loved ones dying became an everyday phenomenon.”

Drinking always led me into all sorts of situations, and whilst I don’t regret the past, I know that it was a form of numbing the pain inside.

Sunitha’s #MadCovidDiaries 17.8.2020  There’s an element within me that feels like I have made a huge jump from where I was at the beginning of lockdown or even a month or so ago to where I am now. There have been a lot of repetitive feelings and I feel like I’m living days over andContinue reading “Drinking always led me into all sorts of situations, and whilst I don’t regret the past, I know that it was a form of numbing the pain inside.”

The shared trauma of living through this situation has allowed me to feel connections with people that would otherwise be on a completely different wavelength

Sunitha’s #MadCovidDiaries 10.8.2020  Well, what a full week. I can’t remember the last time in ages where I felt like I had fed all the different parts of myself: I’ve had time connecting with friends, focused on myself as well as the things I care about. Sometimes I struggle because if I do too muchContinue reading “The shared trauma of living through this situation has allowed me to feel connections with people that would otherwise be on a completely different wavelength”

In this pandemic world, I have had moments of crisis but my past experiences really made me reluctant to reach out for help.

Sunitha’s #MadCovidDiaries 3.8.2020  I’m back home and for the first time in a long time, it really felt like coming home. Of course, I experience anxiety here, lying awake in the middle of the night thinking the house noises means someone might be in the house or the depression clouding over me because I can’tContinue reading “In this pandemic world, I have had moments of crisis but my past experiences really made me reluctant to reach out for help.”

When I consume news stories or social media, the world ending in my lifetime feels like an inevitable reality.

Sunitha’s #MadCovidDiaries 27.7.2020  I’m back at my parents’ house for the first time this year and it’s been almost six months since I last saw them. Whilst I am mostly enjoying the experience, I also feel incredibly overwhelmed today and really feel like I haven’t had the space to decompress without them. The last coupleContinue reading “When I consume news stories or social media, the world ending in my lifetime feels like an inevitable reality.”

Returning back to normal isn’t really an option…I am considering all sorts of things that seemed impossible to me before. I want to live in a world that considers all the diverse needs of individuals in its society.

Sunitha’s #MadCovidDiaries 20.7.2020  I’ve finally got some time off for the next two weeks and especially this week, I am going to focus on having time for myself. I have recognised that burn out for me is something that happens even when I have the best intentions ; it has as much to do withContinue reading “Returning back to normal isn’t really an option…I am considering all sorts of things that seemed impossible to me before. I want to live in a world that considers all the diverse needs of individuals in its society.”

These are unprecedented times so I constantly have to focus on being kind to myself but that requires a lot of rewiring.

Sunitha’s #MadCovidDiaries 14.7.2020  I sat down to write the last few days and felt little to no motivation as there was too much going on in my head. Even today, I feel a little conflicted and confused. One part of me is super excited as I will be seeing my parents in a few weeks’Continue reading “These are unprecedented times so I constantly have to focus on being kind to myself but that requires a lot of rewiring.”

The trigger for a lot of my difficulties in the Coronavirus crisis has been the feeling of the unknown, which hasn’t been helped by the lack of leadership from the government.

Sunitha’s #MadCovidDiaries 7.7.2020  What a difference two weeks make? In the last ten days, it’s been a rollercoaster of unexpected life events, which has left me feeling both super hopeful and super anxious. The most prominent item is that I am now getting paid for some work that I was previously doing as voluntary. It’llContinue reading “The trigger for a lot of my difficulties in the Coronavirus crisis has been the feeling of the unknown, which hasn’t been helped by the lack of leadership from the government.”

Every time I read the news or Twitter, I recognise that we have such a long way to go…sometimes I feel like all I want to do is pack my bags, go home and retreat from society.

Sunitha’s #MadCovidDiaries, 23.06.20 CW: Mentions self harm and alcohol briefly Today, I feel indecisive on how to start writing this. For me, I am struggling with a whole host of internal worries and fears, which makes me think what I really need now is help. You know when you’ve experienced long term mental health illnesses,Continue reading “Every time I read the news or Twitter, I recognise that we have such a long way to go…sometimes I feel like all I want to do is pack my bags, go home and retreat from society.”

It’s been an intense couple of weeks in the context of world events.

Sunitha’s #MadCovidDiaries 15.6.2020  It’s been an intense couple of weeks in the context of world events. It almost feels like it doesn’t feel as important to focus on Covid with the current events happening. Discussing what’s been happening in my life the last few weeks has also seemed unimportant given the situation in the USContinue reading “It’s been an intense couple of weeks in the context of world events.”

This whole experience is really taking a mental and physical toll on my body. Each day to me actually represents three or four days of pre-covid time.

Sunitha’s #MadCovidDiaries 25.5.2020  Yesterday, my mum reiterated her desire to come drive to see me even if it was just from afar. A couple of weeks ago, I was seriously considering self isolating in preparation for relaxing of lockdown rules and asking my parents to do the same. Unfortunately, trying to convince my mum thatContinue reading “This whole experience is really taking a mental and physical toll on my body. Each day to me actually represents three or four days of pre-covid time.”

Waiting lists are months long and racial disparities are ignored. Mental health awareness week is just not enough.

Sunitha’s #MadCovidDiaries 18.5.2020  I don’t really know where to start. After a very challenging week, the weekend for me has been a lot of me trying to contain my anger and having these beautiful moments of hope. In some ways, I’m starting the cycle again of settling into this new normal but it really overwhelmsContinue reading “Waiting lists are months long and racial disparities are ignored. Mental health awareness week is just not enough.”

The cogs in my head have been in overdrive; what life do I want after this crisis is over. Where does my energy go? What do I care about?

Sunitha’s #MadCovidDiaries 10.5.2020  I’m feeling angry today, terrified, anxious. What did I expect after watching the waffling from our Prime Minster? I called my mum and I got really emotional, especially when her response was very much well we can’t be in lockdown forever. Last week I told her she couldn’t come to see me,Continue reading “The cogs in my head have been in overdrive; what life do I want after this crisis is over. Where does my energy go? What do I care about?”

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