Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries 13.12.2020
The good side of my personal circumstances at the moment: my partner is able to teach from home for a little while, my kids are off school and nursery. We can hunker down for a while and be relatively safe. I’m really grateful for that, and for this time together. I’m doing home learning with my four year old and it isn’t easy, but at least I don’t have a job so I’m not trying to fit my own work in as well (just entertaining a two year old at the same time!).
The kids’ birthdays are coming up. My four year old wants a traditional kids’ birthday party, so we’ll try to create one at home, just the four of us. My heart breaks for her. We couldn’t have one last year either as I was (physically) ill – I had told her “next year, sweetheart” and now next year is here and it can’t happen.
I’ve found my creativity again, which is usually a sign that my mood is not bad. I’ve been embroidering and cross-stitching and crocheting. My anxiety is quite high at the moment though – I still wake up sweating and breathless after nightmares.
The other major thing that happened is that I was finally diagnosed as autistic, via a long awaited assessment just before Christmas. It was done virtually, with two assessors. I found it very gruelling and stressful, it took over three hours. I’m in my mid thirties, and I feel grief that I went so long without this understanding of myself. I’m battling a sense of imposter syndrome (like I somehow convinced them I’m autistic but I’m not really?) and I have a lot of processing and work to do to understand my past in light of this information and how this has interacted with my mental health issues all my life.
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