“I was finally diagnosed as autistic, via a long awaited assessment. It was done virtually… I’m in my mid thirties, and I feel grief that I went so long without this understanding of myself.”

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries 13.12.2020 The good side of my personal circumstances at the moment: my partner is able to teach from home for a little while, my kids are off school and nursery. We can hunker down for a while and be relatively safe. I’m really grateful for that, and for this time together. I’mContinue reading ““I was finally diagnosed as autistic, via a long awaited assessment. It was done virtually… I’m in my mid thirties, and I feel grief that I went so long without this understanding of myself.””

“This year with the rules about Christmas bubbles it feels even harder to please everyone. My needs always come last and it is killing me”

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries 13.12.2020 How am I feeling? Sad and angry. And anxious. So many people around me are just carrying on like there’s no pandemic – I have tried and failed to let go of my anger about this. I’m plagued with health anxiety. I think I need to start doing regular worry timeContinue reading ““This year with the rules about Christmas bubbles it feels even harder to please everyone. My needs always come last and it is killing me””

I felt a pang of sadness waving my daughter off and a flood of worry for the world she’s growing up in. Will it harm them more or less, the fact that our “new normal” will simply be their “normal”? It’s all they’ll have ever known.

I felt a pang of sadness waving my daughter off and a flood of worry for the world she’s growing up in. Will it harm them more or less, the fact that our “new normal” will simply be their “normal”? It’s all they’ll have ever known.

Human Bean’s #MadCovidDiaries, Week 24: August 31st to September 6th 2020

My daughter is really excited about school and I know being with her friends again will be good, even while I am angry that it is mandatory to send them back. I question the morality of trying to get us all “back to normal” with the virus still raging through the population.

My daughter is really excited about school and I know being with her friends again will be good, even while I am angry that it is mandatory to send them back. I question the morality of trying to get us all “back to normal” with the virus still raging through the population.

Human Bean’s #MadCovidDiaries, Week 23: August 24th to August 30th 2020

I’ve found that this week, like the first few months of the pandemic, the reality of what we are living through keeps hitting me over and over again. It really feels like nothing will ever be the same again.

I’ve found that this week, like the first few months of the pandemic, the reality of what we are living through keeps hitting me over and over again. It really feels like nothing will ever be the same again.

Human Bean’s #MadCovidDiaries, Week 22: August 17th 2020 to August 23rd 2020

I felt like a piece of meat turning over for the scan. I dissociated from myself and no longer was a person. This is what trauma and autism in a pandemic feels like.

I felt like a piece of meat turning over for the scan. I dissociated from myself and no longer was a person. This is what trauma and autism in a pandemic feels like.

Human Bean’s #MadCovidDiaries, Week 21: August 10th to August 16th 2020

Trigger warnings: medical talk, self injury, trauma

Before COVID there were so many places I could have gone if I wanted to. Did I waste the chance? No. Let’s face it, I never had the spoons.

Before COVID there were so many places I could have gone if I wanted to. Did I waste the chance? No. Let’s face it, I never had the spoons.

Human Bean’s #MadCovidDiaries, Week 20: August 3rd to August 9th

As a meme I saw recently said: all lifting lockdown means is that there’s space for you in ICU now.

As a meme I saw recently said: all lifting lockdown means is that there’s space for you in ICU now.

Human Bean’s #MadCovidDiaries, Week 19: July 27th – August 2nd

I feel so annoyed that many of my friends think people like me are being too anxious and just need help to be less afraid. I feel that I have an accurate view of the COVID risk and they have kidded themselves into being less afraid because they want to “get back to normal”.

I feel so annoyed that many of my friends think people like me are being too anxious and just need help to be less afraid. I feel that I have an accurate view of the COVID risk and they have kidded themselves into being less afraid because they want to “get back to normal”.

I feel like we’re living in such a brutal world and I didn’t even have the resilience to cope with the old one let alone this.

Human Bean’s #MadCovidDiaries, Week 16: July 6th to July 12th TW: Cancer I came out to my mum as non binary this week. I also told a few more people about my plans to change my name. I feel really silly about it (internalised transphobia or a hangover from being stigmatised for BPD shifts inContinue reading “I feel like we’re living in such a brutal world and I didn’t even have the resilience to cope with the old one let alone this.”

Health professionals get frustrated with me and misinterpret my attempts at communication. The thought of talking to a doctor now brings a wave of panic because my experience this year has been so terrible.

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 13: June 15th to June 21st TW: iatrogenic trauma, ableism  It’s diary day. I don’t feel like talking today. I guess that’s a good reason to have a set day to update, it’s more representative of my mood than if I just updated when I felt like it.  Looong exhale. Continue reading “Health professionals get frustrated with me and misinterpret my attempts at communication. The thought of talking to a doctor now brings a wave of panic because my experience this year has been so terrible.”

It’s kind of interesting but grim to see how the soaps are dealing with covid 19. It’s weird how seeing something fictionalised can make a thing feel more real.

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 15: June 29th to July 5th Well, after my post last week saying nothing will change for us, we made a spur of the moment decision to come on a trip. I’ll explain.  The rules changed on Saturday 4th July to say you are allowed to visit family overnight. SinceContinue reading “It’s kind of interesting but grim to see how the soaps are dealing with covid 19. It’s weird how seeing something fictionalised can make a thing feel more real.”

The transition out of lockdown is causing me a lot of anxiety. The risk is still there but now we’re being asked to act like it isn’t. It was a decision made for the economy and not for keeping people safe.

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 14: June 22nd to June 28th  Do you ever look back at your past self and think wow, I was a real person in the world: I wore that red dress in Italy, I kissed that girl, in a way that you don’t feel real in your life now orContinue reading “The transition out of lockdown is causing me a lot of anxiety. The risk is still there but now we’re being asked to act like it isn’t. It was a decision made for the economy and not for keeping people safe.”

I am having increasing anxiety about the state of the world, about covid, about the treatment of black people and trans people.

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 12: June 9th to June 14th TW: discussion of racism and transphobia, medical issues.  Gosh, what an emotionally laborious week it has been. Difficult conversations with people about race (which is fine, that’s my responsibility as a white person) and difficult conversations with people about transphobia.  I’m non binary andContinue reading “I am having increasing anxiety about the state of the world, about covid, about the treatment of black people and trans people.”

I’m white and feel like I have a responsibility to do everything I can to educate myself and others and make changes happen wherever I can. Black lives matter. 🖤

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 11: June 1st to June 7th I didn’t manage self therapy this week. My partner was working and I had to take care of the kids so it didn’t happen. I will make sure it happens in the coming week so I don’t lose the habit. I’m quite annoyed thatContinue reading “I’m white and feel like I have a responsibility to do everything I can to educate myself and others and make changes happen wherever I can. Black lives matter. 🖤”

I think often of others out there struggling with their mental health and I hope you know I’m rooting for you.

TW: brief mention of suicidal thinking  Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 10(!): May 25th to May 31st It’s wild we’ve been at this ten weeks. I suppose in a way though I’ve been in lockdown most of the year; I was physically too ill to leave the house for most of the first three monthsContinue reading “I think often of others out there struggling with their mental health and I hope you know I’m rooting for you.”

I’m off to get ready for a virtual Zoom cocktail party tonight! I’m loving the possibilities for remote connection that are springing up. I never want those to go away.

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 9: May 18th to May 24th Hi all. I’ve been generally feeling more positive this week. I made the tough decision to keep my four year old off preschool for the rest of the school year (I also have a two year old at home).  I feel lucky to haveContinue reading “I’m off to get ready for a virtual Zoom cocktail party tonight! I’m loving the possibilities for remote connection that are springing up. I never want those to go away.”

I had an email from the preschool saying my daughter could go back from June 1st. I can’t decide. There are so many strong reasons for and against.

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 8: May 11th to May 17th TW: alcohol, panic attacks, PTSD, shame It’s been a week of two halves. During the first half I felt quite positive; I had a new found direction in self help from the springboard of therapy ending. Things at home were good, as my partnerContinue reading “I had an email from the preschool saying my daughter could go back from June 1st. I can’t decide. There are so many strong reasons for and against.”

I’m celebrating a year sober this coming week. Happy one year to me!

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 7: May 4th to May 10th  TW: Alcohol / Sobriety Did I miss a week? How did I miss a week?  It has been a difficult fortnight for me. I felt extremely low. So tired, no energy or motivation to do anything. Hopeless. Worried. It was also the fortnight leadingContinue reading “I’m celebrating a year sober this coming week. Happy one year to me!”