Human Bean

Human Bean is a non binary, autistic mum of two with mental health issues including a history of BPD, and current anxiety and low mood.

Human Bean’s #MadCovidDiary

What if there is no “after COVID”?

I feel like this’ll never be ‘over’ and the future just melts together.

What if there is no “after covid”?

Human Bean’s #MadCovidDiaries, Week 18: July 20th to July 26th

I feel so annoyed that many of my friends think people like me are being too anxious and just need help to be less afraid. I feel that I have an accurate view of the COVID risk and they have kidded themselves into being less afraid because they want to “get back to normal”.

I feel so annoyed that many of my friends think people like me are being too anxious and just need help to be less afraid. I feel that I have an accurate view of the COVID risk and they have kidded themselves into being less afraid because they want to “get back to normal”.

I feel like we’re living in such a brutal world and I didn’t even have the resilience to cope with the old one let alone this.

Human Bean’s #MadCovidDiaries, Week 16: July 6th to July 12th TW: Cancer I came out to my mum as non binary this week. I also told a few more people about my plans to change my name. I feel really silly about it (internalised transphobia or a hangover from being stigmatised for BPD shifts inContinue reading “I feel like we’re living in such a brutal world and I didn’t even have the resilience to cope with the old one let alone this.”

Health professionals get frustrated with me and misinterpret my attempts at communication. The thought of talking to a doctor now brings a wave of panic because my experience this year has been so terrible.

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 13: June 15th to June 21st TW: iatrogenic trauma, ableism  It’s diary day. I don’t feel like talking today. I guess that’s a good reason to have a set day to update, it’s more representative of my mood than if I just updated when I felt like it.  Looong exhale. Continue reading “Health professionals get frustrated with me and misinterpret my attempts at communication. The thought of talking to a doctor now brings a wave of panic because my experience this year has been so terrible.”

It’s kind of interesting but grim to see how the soaps are dealing with covid 19. It’s weird how seeing something fictionalised can make a thing feel more real.

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 15: June 29th to July 5th Well, after my post last week saying nothing will change for us, we made a spur of the moment decision to come on a trip. I’ll explain.  The rules changed on Saturday 4th July to say you are allowed to visit family overnight. SinceContinue reading “It’s kind of interesting but grim to see how the soaps are dealing with covid 19. It’s weird how seeing something fictionalised can make a thing feel more real.”

The transition out of lockdown is causing me a lot of anxiety. The risk is still there but now we’re being asked to act like it isn’t. It was a decision made for the economy and not for keeping people safe.

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 14: June 22nd to June 28th  Do you ever look back at your past self and think wow, I was a real person in the world: I wore that red dress in Italy, I kissed that girl, in a way that you don’t feel real in your life now orContinue reading “The transition out of lockdown is causing me a lot of anxiety. The risk is still there but now we’re being asked to act like it isn’t. It was a decision made for the economy and not for keeping people safe.”

I am having increasing anxiety about the state of the world, about covid, about the treatment of black people and trans people.

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 12: June 9th to June 14th TW: discussion of racism and transphobia, medical issues.  Gosh, what an emotionally laborious week it has been. Difficult conversations with people about race (which is fine, that’s my responsibility as a white person) and difficult conversations with people about transphobia.  I’m non binary andContinue reading “I am having increasing anxiety about the state of the world, about covid, about the treatment of black people and trans people.”

I’m white and feel like I have a responsibility to do everything I can to educate myself and others and make changes happen wherever I can. Black lives matter. 🖤

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 11: June 1st to June 7th I didn’t manage self therapy this week. My partner was working and I had to take care of the kids so it didn’t happen. I will make sure it happens in the coming week so I don’t lose the habit. I’m quite annoyed thatContinue reading “I’m white and feel like I have a responsibility to do everything I can to educate myself and others and make changes happen wherever I can. Black lives matter. 🖤”

I think often of others out there struggling with their mental health and I hope you know I’m rooting for you.

TW: brief mention of suicidal thinking  Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 10(!): May 25th to May 31st It’s wild we’ve been at this ten weeks. I suppose in a way though I’ve been in lockdown most of the year; I was physically too ill to leave the house for most of the first three monthsContinue reading “I think often of others out there struggling with their mental health and I hope you know I’m rooting for you.”

I’m off to get ready for a virtual Zoom cocktail party tonight! I’m loving the possibilities for remote connection that are springing up. I never want those to go away.

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 9: May 18th to May 24th Hi all. I’ve been generally feeling more positive this week. I made the tough decision to keep my four year old off preschool for the rest of the school year (I also have a two year old at home).  I feel lucky to haveContinue reading “I’m off to get ready for a virtual Zoom cocktail party tonight! I’m loving the possibilities for remote connection that are springing up. I never want those to go away.”

I had an email from the preschool saying my daughter could go back from June 1st. I can’t decide. There are so many strong reasons for and against.

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 8: May 11th to May 17th TW: alcohol, panic attacks, PTSD, shame It’s been a week of two halves. During the first half I felt quite positive; I had a new found direction in self help from the springboard of therapy ending. Things at home were good, as my partnerContinue reading “I had an email from the preschool saying my daughter could go back from June 1st. I can’t decide. There are so many strong reasons for and against.”

I’m celebrating a year sober this coming week. Happy one year to me!

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 7: May 4th to May 10th  TW: Alcohol / Sobriety Did I miss a week? How did I miss a week?  It has been a difficult fortnight for me. I felt extremely low. So tired, no energy or motivation to do anything. Hopeless. Worried. It was also the fortnight leadingContinue reading “I’m celebrating a year sober this coming week. Happy one year to me!”

I feel like the crux of sobriety for me is thinking I’m worthwhile and precious enough to not be harmed, that I deserve to be sober and unharmed.

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 4: Week 4: April 13th to April 19th 2020  TW: Self harm; Alcohol / Sobriety I managed to get out for a walk today. I’ve been too scared to leave my house for two weeks, even though I was allowed to go for a walk or for essentials.I’m glad IContinue reading “I feel like the crux of sobriety for me is thinking I’m worthwhile and precious enough to not be harmed, that I deserve to be sober and unharmed.”

I need surgery and I’m going to have to wait a long time for it thanks to the pandemic. There’s no support for my mental health over this whatsoever.

Human Bean’s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 3: April 6th to April 12th 2020  TW: Transphobia It’s been a bloody hard week. It was my birthday, which is always a bit weird at the best of times, mentally, emotionally. It’s Easter. I’d usually be seeing my family (which, OK, has it’s own challenges but I really missContinue reading “I need surgery and I’m going to have to wait a long time for it thanks to the pandemic. There’s no support for my mental health over this whatsoever.”

I’m feeling quite tired and sad this week. I still feel like I’m in the midst of grief over everything and there’s more to come.

Human Bean’s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 2: March 30th to April 5th 2020  I decide in the morning when I’m just getting up, whether I’ll go outside today. In the garden or out for a walk, I choose normal socks for fitting in shoes or big fluffy socks, for staying indoors all day.  I keep havingContinue reading “I’m feeling quite tired and sad this week. I still feel like I’m in the midst of grief over everything and there’s more to come.”

Am I the only one that gave myself social burnout in week one of a lockdown?

Human Bean’s first #MadCovidDiaries Diary Week 1: March 23rd to March 29th 2020 This week I went way over the top with socialising online. I think I threw myself into it because it made stuff accessible to me that I couldn’t manage to get to otherwise. Am I the only one that gave myself socialContinue reading “Am I the only one that gave myself social burnout in week one of a lockdown?”

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