“This year with the rules about Christmas bubbles it feels even harder to please everyone. My needs always come last and it is killing me”

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries 13.12.2020

How am I feeling? Sad and angry. And anxious. So many people around me are just carrying on like there’s no pandemic – I have tried and failed to let go of my anger about this. I’m plagued with health anxiety. I think I need to start doing regular worry time again every day.

Sorry I took such a long break from writing this journal. It felt like just another demand on me at a time when I am overwhelmed by demands. Being a mum is a lot by itself, but when your own wellbeing feels like a juggling act and you have an endless list of things to do… It’s a lot. Christmas has felt like an unending chores list so far. I’ve avoided absolutely anything about it that I thought was optional, but it’s still too much.

This year with the rules about Christmas bubbles it feels even harder to please everyone. I’m 36 and by the time I’m 40 I really want to have learned to be less of a people pleaser. Less of an OTHER people pleaser – because let’s face it, I never consider how to please myself. My needs always come last and it is killing me.

The combination of my autism, mental health struggles, pandemic, physical health issues, are making a total clusterfuck and I feel like I am stuck on the hamster wheel of it with no idea how to stop it. Most of my time is taken up with the drudgery of everyday life. I need to drop some of the balls I’m juggling before I’m forced to drop all of them and just hit shutdown.

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