I felt like a piece of meat turning over for the scan. I dissociated from myself and no longer was a person. This is what trauma and autism in a pandemic feels like.

Human Bean’s #MadCovidDiaries, Week 21: August 10th to August 16th 2020

Trigger warnings: medical talk, self injury, trauma

I had a scan at our community hospital. I usually take someone with me because I struggle to communicate when anxious, but I couldn’t this time. Even if I could have, there was no one other than my partner to watch the kids. I have a sunflower lanyard with some communication cards to help me try to cope alone – it is a good idea, though it wasn’t enough in this situation.

I’m autistic (awaiting assessment) and I found it such a confusing situation. I didn’t know where to go or what to do, I couldn’t find anywhere to check in, I got told off and I cried. I cried in a mask with glasses on and they steamed up and then I couldn’t see. My nose ran inside my mask and I couldn’t do anything about it. I felt like a piece of meat turning over for the scan. I dissociated from myself and no longer was a person. This is what trauma and autism in a pandemic feels like. 

However. I got through it and I’m glad it’s done and over with. I’m proud of myself for how I handled it and I’m not ashamed that I cried. I was put in a situation with inadequate information and support, and that’s not my fault. I won’t judge myself for it. 

The second half of the week was something completely different: a virtual bisexual convention. I have been to the real life version in the past, this one was all online due to COVID. It was fantastic to be able to access the workshops and community spaces from my bedroom. It really felt like I was with like minded people and it felt like I was accepted for my sexuality and gender in a way that I’m not in every day life. I just tried to do way too much though. I was so eager to make the most of it that I overdid it and I am suffering from a massive crash following it. I am tired and anxious and self critical (which I place on others, fearing their judgment, but which I am learning comes from myself and my own negative views of me).

This week I really need to give myself a chance to recover. And I need to throw away a triggering blade which came into the house for a craft workshop the other week. I need to ignore my things to do list (or maybe choose a couple of easy things that will give me a win without stressing me out?). I need to give myself a break. 

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