Human Bean’s #MadCovidDiaries, Week 17: July 13th to July 19th
Wow, it’s been a big week in the world of Human Bean. I changed my name and came out (to everyone!) as non binary. Then I had a massive mood crash, such is the way of these things I think.
Most people were supportive, a few people have been a bit knobbish and hurtful, but I’m trying to focus on the majority.
So, I’ve been trying desperately hard to look after myself well, with very mixed success. I’m still trying to do too much because I have a lot of nervous energy. I have a gallbladder ultrasound coming up that I’m scared about going to alone and I am still very frightened about COVID.
I feel so annoyed that many of my friends think people like me are being too anxious and just need help to be less afraid. I feel that I have an accurate view of the covid risk and they have kidded themselves into being less afraid because they want to “get back to normal”. They feel that they have an accurate view of the risk and that I’m being neurotic. I just think there is no back to normal. I’m not being neurotic by following the rules and I don’t appreciate being gaslighted into silence (I feel I can’t defend my behaviour without getting into a big debate online.)
We visited my 4 year old’s preschool to collect her wellies and learning journey for the year. It was really sad to say goodbye to her key worker. She was also questioning why there were some kids there as she thought it was closed for the virus still. How do I explain without her taking it as me keeping her from something she wants to do? I just said that some of the children are there because their parents do very important jobs and that each family is choosing what is best for them at the moment, and that she’ll be back at school with them when they start big school in September. She seemed satisfied with that.
I’m still really enjoying crafting and socialising on Zoom. Those things, watching TV with my spouse and getting new groceries each week are my favourite things in life, along with spending precious time with my kids. I feel very lucky in lots of ways.