The expectation is this: under these unusual circumstances, one should suffer more with their mental health. Years of adversity and intense emotional crisis gives me resilience; I move parallel to these restrictions.

Amanda’s #MadCovidDiaries 25.12.2020

Flow with It.

The expectation is this: under these unusual circumstances, one should suffer more with their mental health. Although that is true for many, on the contrary, I grow deeper into my art and discover resonance for my personal mission.

Years of adversity and intense emotional crisis gives me resilience; I move parallel to these restrictions which are oddly, freeing.

I lost my job, my income, my apartment even, and yet I am closer to my family and friends than ever before.

I do not see this as devastating but rather as an adaptation; I now pursue paths that ignite my fire. I involve myself with mental health initiatives and advocacy.

In the grey before dawn, I write lyrics, make beats with Ableton, spit fierce bars into my mic and mix in my home studio. I am not afraid to be alone but rather relish in the opportunity to focus deeply on my chosen pursuits. I enter mad flow states.

I engage with presence, that heightened awareness, my place in the web like structure of humanity. Community suspends me there, tucked warmly within their extended arms.

Eight years ago, ‘they’ diagnosed me with a case of madness, a crippling series of mental disorders—labels I question daily.

I allowed the framework of the system define the experience of who I am. It has power over me and compels me to believe certain limitations like I’ll never be well enough to work. It is in this narrative, do I find, not peace, but an eternal questioning. I struggle with sleepless nights, often lay awake in contemplation. Trauma and crisis follow me like a shadow from a past I can barely recall.

Despite it, I am a functioning, contributing member of a community where I find deep resonance. I prove them wrong every single day. We all have a complex narrative; they are valid and real. One in which holds weight, meaning, and purpose. In short, I see this as an opportunity to dive deeper into oneself and to really assess one’s values and place of belonging.

Welcome to my journey. I hope we flow together for some time.

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