I embrace the fact that I am having a terrible week but that all I can do is survive. Survive to maybe have the possibility of living again.

Sunitha’s #MadCovidDiaries – 8 September 2020

Content warning: suicide, PTSD

I feel as if I have regressed. My procrastination levels have started to increase again and whilst I had a relatively productive week last week, I struggled with the simpler things like eating breakfast. Even though writing for me is always a difficulty, I can’t even think of what’s on my mind. There’s a fogginess to my thoughts. Last night, I fell asleep very briefly and woke up sweating and with my heart pounding. Whilst trying to get back to sleep again, there was a realisation that these are difficulties that other people don’t face on a semi regular basis. Most of the time, I embrace that my experiences have shaped me into a different type of person but occasionally, I recognise that it would be easier to be like everyone else.

Usually, for whatever reason, I end up writing a fixed amount of paragraphs and generally I have gone through a journey of perspective from good to bad or vice versa. However, this week, with my energy levels being limited and my insomnia returning, I realised that I am going to remove that pressure from myself. My current inner pressure is coming from all sorts of directions and unresolved feelings about how I interact with the world.

Relationships are a struggle for me right now. Most friends have been a wonderful asset in this time, appreciating my need for space as well as checking in with me. However, some friends have really highlighted the need for healthy boundaries from me and recognising behaviour that makes me spiral. With my partner struggling as much as I have been, I finally feel confident that I realise my love, my comfort and empathy for him is all I can give him and there’s no pressure on me to fix his problems. Evidently, that doesn’t stop me from feeling pain when he’s crying because of the emotional toll life has on him right now. Similar to what my parents go through all the time having seen me in all sorts of states – I am so lucky for the relationship we have rebuilt.

Recently, I spoke to a friend about her partner having complex PTSD and she shared a video about traits to do with it. One point was being suicidal but actually, it explained it from a different perspective of it being exhausting to live. That’s me in a nutshell. I’m almost 30 but if the next 30 years of my life are like the first 30, I don’t know how I will motivate myself to live. Often, I think I exist rather than live. So this week I embrace the fact that I am having a terrible week but that all I can do is survive. Survive to maybe have the possibility of living again.

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