The world’s fallen into what feels like a dystopian nightmare

TW: Eating Disorders / Distress.

Eleanor’s #MadCovidDiary 21.3.2020

The world’s fallen into what feels like a dystopian nightmare. Everything’s shutting down, nobody wants to go outside, and the tories are actually dolling out cash. Not enough, obviously, and there’s fuck all in terms of guidance or provisions for people with mental health conditions, as usual, but everything else feels completely different.

About 10 days ago when a few of my friends were going into isolation I was still feeling kind of okay about things, or i was at least doing a good job at convincing myself I was okay. The last couple of days have been a different story, I’ve been feeling really anxious, evident mainly in the amount of naps i’ve been having. Actually my sleep has been a hot mess altogether. It’s 00:15 now and i’m both exhausted and buzzing.

I’ve been cooking a lot as well, which has been quite triggering. I went to the shop on Wednesday (which was HELL ON EARTH- no exaggeration it looks post apocalyptic), all i could really get was a few vegetables. So i’ve been cooking lots of soups and curries and stuff cause I don’t want anything to go off and be wasted; but it’s very reminiscent of Anorexic behaviour— obsessing over food, cooking too much and squirrelling it away. On top of that I was trying to keep a food diary as something i can show the therapist (who i’m now not going to have an assessment with for months), but that spiralled VERY quickly into guilt and restricting. So it had to go.

The other behaviour I’ve clocked, which is usually a warning sign, is cleaning the house a lot. It’s something i’ve done in the past when i’ve been really sick and stuck inside for long periods of time. On the one hand it’s important the place doesn’t become a complete mess because that’ll make me depressed, but on the other hand cleaning is causing me to slip back into that same anxious mindset. It’s not a fun pendulum to swing on.

All this has made me realise that i’m not as okay as I thought I was. My mental illnesses are still very close to the surface, and the risk of me spiralling downwards is real. I need to be careful and stay connected with people as much as I can.

I told my friend about my food issues at the moment and he said “you’re stronger than you realise, I think that’s pretty much behind you now”. It was a good job we’re isolating because the look on my face… I’ve made a conscious decision to interpret what he said as “I believe in you”, because, lets be honest, what he actually said was NOT useful whatsoever. He’s off my call list until isolation is over.

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