Hope

I’m a PhD student in Medieval Literature at Durham University. I am currently studying the relationship between devotion to the Virgin Mary and anti-Semitism in medieval England, from around 1200-1500. I have Asperger’s & have struggled with various mental illnesses since age 11.

You can follow Hope on Twitter!

Hope’s #MadCovidDiary

Self harm is something many living with mental illness have experienced, and yet it remains something people are squeamish about, that they reject, that they shame us for.

Hope’s #MadCovidDiaries Tuesday 21.5.2020 TW: Self Harm Because it’s been the heinously platitudinous Mental Health Awareness Week this week, and inspired by @mugamnesty’s recent blog on psychosis, I’ve decided to write this diary about self harm. Self harm is something many living with mental illness have experienced, and yet it remains something people are squeamishContinue reading “Self harm is something many living with mental illness have experienced, and yet it remains something people are squeamish about, that they reject, that they shame us for.”

My OCD: Seeing Red

Hope’s #MadCovidDiaries – 6.5.2020 TW: OCD, sexual abuse, STDs, self-harm, hallucinations, disordered thinking After the recent discourse surrounding OCD and the pandemic— which, in short, seems to be suggesting it is helpful or desirable— I decided that this week I would write about my experience of OCD and why this discourse is harmful. Many membersContinue reading “My OCD: Seeing Red”

For my loved one

TW: Abortion, eating distress, health anxiety Hope’s #MadCovidDiaries – 23.4.2020 Thanks for the dance, and the baby you carried It was almost a daughter or a son                                     — Leonard Cohen, Thanks for the Dance, 2019 You don’t like this song, because it makes you think about dying, about saying thank you as a goodbye.Continue reading “For my loved one”

No, I didn’t know that Boris Johnson had missed five COBRA meetings, but I was so unsurprised that it didn’t even feel like new information to me.

Hope’s #MadCovidDiaries Tuesday 21.4.2020 TW: Miscarriage, COVID deaths I am getting so angry that anger doesn’t feel like anger anymore, it just feels like being tired. The first week of the pandemic I spent staring at the news and just shaking with rage. It became unsustainable and I started trying to get into some otherContinue reading “No, I didn’t know that Boris Johnson had missed five COBRA meetings, but I was so unsurprised that it didn’t even feel like new information to me.”

Love and Tesco: A simple act of care performed by people living, eating and surviving together, has acquired this vast significance.

Hope’s #MadCovidDiaries Tuesday 14.4.2020 My partner and I have avoided going into Tesco since the lockdown. (We have been eating a lot of beans and lentils. We ran out last week.) I volunteered to go in on Thursday. My partner went in today. Each of us waited outside while the other one was inside. There’sContinue reading “Love and Tesco: A simple act of care performed by people living, eating and surviving together, has acquired this vast significance.”

The pandemic and the lockdown are bringing pre-existing problems and anxieties into sharp, unrelenting focus, and I am weakened by them.

Hope’s #MadCovidDiary 7.4.2020 Things are starting to get worse for me. Yesterday was only the third time I left my flat since mid-March, and the first time for daily exercise. I am lucky to have an exercise bike in my flat which I have been using. Myself and my partner— who is being wonderful— haveContinue reading “The pandemic and the lockdown are bringing pre-existing problems and anxieties into sharp, unrelenting focus, and I am weakened by them.”

Everyone’s sharing (to some degree), a similar kind of psychological pain.

Hope’s #MadCovidDiary 2.4.2020 I have been avoiding going into town since I went to the doctor’s a week and a half ago. Today I had to go to the pharmacy for a prescription. There were hardly any people in town and I hadn’t anticipated how strange it would look for the bus station to beContinue reading “Everyone’s sharing (to some degree), a similar kind of psychological pain.”

A Grey Anniversary

TW: Rape Hope’s #MadCovidDiary 27.3.2020 Yesterday, it was ten years to the day that I was first raped. It was weird that yesterday I craved jam on toast, because around the time it happened I was always having jam on toast before school, and if I didn’t go to school, I’d have two lots ofContinue reading “A Grey Anniversary”

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