I get myself as far away from mindfulness as possible, only to see it creep out in some other neoliberal guise and enter a space I love.

Darren’s #MadCovidDiaries 25.10.2020

Hi all. In the spirit of something I’ll mention further down, I’ll attempt to write something a little more positive this time for the diary entry. I am positivity!

Smasher is the name of a puppy I named, my physical health got so bad I couldn’t keep her as couldn’t walk or play with her. I’d been saving the name smasher for soooooo long for a puppy, so really happy Smasher has been freed from my fantasies and manifested in the world. I managed to find her an excellent home with a friend who has two children and I get regular updates and pictures of her. It’s taken me a while to accept all this but more than anything I’m just so happy she is safe and loved, plus I will get to see her in the future. I saw her briefly a couple of weeks ago which was quite teary and joyful. I have to work very hard to not imagine her missing me, this is what upsets me the most. But time was of the essence so her transition could be as easy possible for her. Smasher!!!!!!

I’m back at my art studios which is bloody ace, working on weird robotic things that react and are controlled by sound. It’s been a long haul teaching myself electronics and getting to the point where I can see my ideas unfolding, which feels good.

There’s this annoying as hell nonesense at my studios…. you’ll have to imagine what its called, but the first part is the opposite of down and the last part is word(ing)… like what the actual fuck. It’s the idea that we can all speak better and more positively. I find it totally patronising and seeing it in my studios makes me angry. It’s like some new age NLP nonesense, disguised under it’s smug umberella of caring, non conflict, positivity. I mean fundamentally it’s a conflict! SPEAK BETTER, THINK BETTER! I get myself as far away from mindfullness as possible only to see it creep out in some other neoliberal guise and enter a space I love. Anyhow, I forgot, I am positivity! I remember a facebook friend posting a meme they had made about “toxic positivity”, fully on board with this term.

I’d saved up on benefits since march to buy a bike that has suspension so I can still get around. This was stolen not too long ago. My spine is crap. I have to limit impact as much as possible. I was just about to be in the position where I could afford to fit an electronic system to it so I could get some motor assist also. This was a grand plan until it wasn’t any more. Been pretty determined to not be too beaten up by this and be positive that my back is nothing but imagination. And yes my gp actually said this to me that “sometimes when we are stressed or anxious we can perceive pain that might else not be there”.

Fantasy land positivity upearthed ancient teachings unfolding limitless supply of smug joy fun rations.

Much love

Dazz

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