I feel like we’re living in such a brutal world and I didn’t even have the resilience to cope with the old one let alone this.

Human Bean’s #MadCovidDiaries, Week 16: July 6th to July 12th

TW: Cancer

I came out to my mum as non binary this week. I also told a few more people about my plans to change my name. I feel really silly about it (internalised transphobia or a hangover from being stigmatised for BPD shifts in identity?) but if I think of giving up on the idea and sticking with my old name, that just feels unfeasible at this point. I feel so happy each time someone uses my new name. Hearing my partner say it, in particular, feels like an act of love. 

This week we visited my parents. I don’t think we’ll be able to see them again for a long time. There aren’t many chances in the future for us to totally isolate for two weeks before seeing them, maybe next summer. We cried a lot when we had to say goodbye. It was a little glimpse of normality and it was hard to enjoy it because it was so bittersweet and I was desperate to cling on to each moment. 

I also saw my sister and niece while social distancing in a park. They live 100 miles from us so not easy for us to go for those sort of meet ups. It was heartbreaking not to be able to hug, and to tell my kids they couldn’t hug their cousin. We played a game of hide and seek around some big trees, while observing social distancing rules. There was a funeral party having a wake on another part of the playing field. 

My spouse has just told me that the news is saying the first longer study into antibodies has found people are losing immunity to covid after just three months. I was already feeling pretty hopeless today but this really feels like the nail in the coffin. Some people aren’t even recovered from it after three months. Will we just keep getting this awful disease until it kills us all off?

I got a date for an ultrasound. I’m terrified of going to the hospital by myself but we’ve no family support due to covid/can’t ask a friend to babysit so I have to go on my own. I have a sunflower lanyard and communication cards to try to help me when I’m there, but I’m pretty terrified. It’s to check if the polyps on my gallbladder are cancerous. Apparently it’s unlikely that they are, but imagine being alone when you get told you have cancer. That’s what covid has done to us. 

I feel like we’re living in such a brutal world and I didn’t even have the resilience to cope with the old one let alone this. I don’t have anything else to say today. 

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