Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 15: June 29th to July 5th
Well, after my post last week saying nothing will change for us, we made a spur of the moment decision to come on a trip. I’ll explain.
The rules changed on Saturday 4th July to say you are allowed to visit family overnight. Since both my parents and us have been completely shielding, we thought we’d come and visit them before we mix (even socially distantly) with anyone else. My parents are both over 70 so they are very at risk. I’m not sure when we’ll be able to see them again. Maybe next summer if we can isolate for two weeks first.
So, I’m currently staying at my childhood home for the next three days. That brings its own mental health challenges but it’s really nice to see my parents (and the dog!). I felt a huge wave of panic in the car. I was scared we were going to crash! I guess 70mph on the motorway is a bit of a shock when you haven’t moved faster than 3mph for three months.
My dad is watching Emmerdale and all the characters/actors are social distancing. We only watch Netflix and the news at home. It’s kind of interesting but grim to see how the soaps are dealing with covid 19. It’s weird how seeing something fictionalised can make a thing feel more real.
I was thinking of coming out to my parents as non binary on this trip. I’m thinking of changing my name and I feel I need to talk to them first. But now I’m here I’m thinking I want to have the conversation by phone instead! I’m chickening out. I don’t think they would react badly, it’ll just be awkward. They won’t really get it. I can imagine my dad refusing to use my new name. They already know I’m bisexual but that is never spoken about.
I have had so many shifts in identity that haven’t lasted, I’m finding it hard to trust myself on this name change idea. I was diagnosed with BPD and I’ve been told so many times I’m impulsive (by mental health professionals). How can I know when to trust myself? I’m worried about getting it wrong and feeling that I’ve embarrassed myself. I’ve changed my mind on things a lot in the past and I want people to think I’m more stable now. But that doesn’t mean I want to stay in the closet forever.
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