Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 14: June 22nd to June 28th
Do you ever look back at your past self and think wow, I was a real person in the world: I wore that red dress in Italy, I kissed that girl, in a way that you don’t feel real in your life now or you don’t feel seen. In a way that maybe only your future self can look back and see you?
This ought to be a record of how things are for me, during this transition out of lockdown. Well, the truth is little has changed for us. We have nowhere to go and nobody to see. We are still living the same as full lockdown. We go and collect groceries once a week but otherwise stay in. We rarely even go for walks. I’m a bit fed up of it, but not so much I want to seek out somebody to social distance meet up with.
The transition is causing me a lot of anxiety. It seems the risk is still there but now we’re being asked to act like it isn’t. I’m not happy. I think it was a decision made by the government for the economy and not for keeping people safe. I think they are going ahead with ‘herd immunity’ despite saying they aren’t and that it’s not a good plan. There’s no evidence to suggest it will work as a tactic. They’d rather let the virus rip through society than save lives and change their economic approach. It makes me angry as well as frightened.
I’m not sure when things will really change for us. We might do a social distanced meet up with my spouse’s dad apparently, during the summer. He flies a small plane and he’d fly to a nearby small airport. We’d go and see him there before he flies home again. I don’t know when I’ll see my family again. I miss them terribly. We speak on the phone but we’ve nothing to say.
September is the time of significant change for us. My daughter will start school for the first time and my spouse will go back to teaching in one (they have been teaching remotely, via voice and screen sharing). What else might we do during the summer? If our local wildlife centre opens, we might visit. We might go on some family walks in the area where we live. If they make overnight visits allowed, my in laws will want to visit.
I’m losing patience with my self esteem work. It all sounds a bit cheesy and I’ve lost faith in the ideas of CBT. I’ve gone back to feeling cynical about it. I’m not a machine, I’m a person. Reprogramming isn’t so simple. When I’ve finished reading the book about self esteem, I’m supposed to go back and do all the exercises properly. I should really give that a go. I can’t expect it to work if I don’t give it a proper go. But I’m fucked off with it at the moment. I’m meant to be writing down when I have negative thoughts about myself. I don’t generally notice having negative thoughts about myself. My low opinion of myself is so much a part of the fabric of my being. It’s in each sigh and blink. It’s not something I can pull out with tweezers or slough off my skin.
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