I’m white and feel like I have a responsibility to do everything I can to educate myself and others and make changes happen wherever I can. Black lives matter. 🖤

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 11: June 1st to June 7th

I didn’t manage self therapy this week. My partner was working and I had to take care of the kids so it didn’t happen. I will make sure it happens in the coming week so I don’t lose the habit. I’m quite annoyed that he didn’t make the time for me to do it around his work. If it had been a session with a therapist then he would have had to find a way.

I’m still feeling ill. I’m not even on the waiting list for the surgery I need yet so it feels like a long slog until that happens. I am pinning all my hopes that I then feel better. I am telling myself that each day I get through is a day closer to getting the surgery and feeling better physically. I have to believe that. 

I’m worried about September and my partner returning to teaching in school. The covid risk but also if my health is still bad it will be such hard going looking after the kids by myself. My mum can’t come back to stay with us and help because of the risk of coronavirus. But there’s nothing we can do, it’s all so unpredictable and out of our control. 

I’ve continued listening to an audiobook about low self esteem. It’s called Overcoming Low Self Esteem and it’s by Melanie Fennell. I maybe need to read it as well once I’m done listening to it and write down answers to some of the prompts. I’m writing that and seriously doubting I would bother to do that! But I am getting a lot out of listening to the book. I’ve always bristled at the idea of low self esteem, as fundamentally it’s down to problems in society and trauma and their effects on me. It just doesn’t sit right with my politics to put that on the individual. That said, I’m finding it helpful and potentially empowering to think about my perception of myself and how that could be changed. It makes me very angry, the way I’ve been made to feel about myself by other people. (It’s also a CBT based book, I should say, which I’ve wholesale rejected in the past but am now finding some aspects helpful. I still don’t think it’s the holy grail the heads of the NHS think it is just cause it’s cheap though. I had a lot of other long term, expensive (to the NHS) therapy to get to this point.) 

I’m watching Normal People on BBC iplayer. It speaks to the introvert in me, possibly it sends me further into myself. Perhaps that’s useful or just how I am anyway when I’m dealing with physical discomfort. I used to be such a dreamer and had such a rich inner life. I would observe the world around me like I was on the outside of it. I feel like I’ve lost that a bit as I’ve grown up and have so many responsibilities. Most of looking outwards in a more integrated way has been good, as in the past I had PTSD and was dissociating a lot of the time just to cope with life. But perhaps there’s scope to recover that dreamer part of me a bit. Perhaps writing more would be a part of that. Mind you, I used to be able to write well, and now I find it so hard to assemble my thoughts. 

Last week, in self therapy, I had the idea of rewriting my narrative of my life in a way that emphasises my resilience and creativity. I haven’t done that yet but I think it would be helpful to do. A friend suggested doing it trauma by trauma. I didn’t like that idea because I don’t want it to be entirely focused on the trauma I’ve experienced. That would be part of the rationale behind the rewrite. But it might be a way to approach some of it, it’s hard to know where to start. 

Notably, I’ve been having a lot of conversations about racism with people this week, as I’m sure a lot of us have. I’m white and I feel like I have the responsibility to do everything I can to educate myself and others and make changes happen where ever I can, and to challenge the other white people in my life to do better. I hope we see sustained change. Black lives matter. 🖤

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