TW: brief mention of suicidal thinking
Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 10(!): May 25th to May 31st
It’s wild we’ve been at this ten weeks. I suppose in a way though I’ve been in lockdown most of the year; I was physically too ill to leave the house for most of the first three months of 2020.
This week my partner was off work. That’s not a massive difference, since he has been working from home and we can’t go anywhere anyway, but it was nice to have him around more and to have more help with the kids. I am trying not to feel like it was a wasted week because I didn’t achieve anything and it didn’t feel special. It was special, it was time with my family.
Last year I was a runner, and this week I tried to start couch to 5k again. I regret this as it has caused a resurgence in my physical symptoms. These won’t improve until I get the surgery I need, and who knows when that’ll be? I also had hormones affecting my mood. So I have really struggled mentally this week with panic and depression, a lot of it down to these physical problems. The thought of feeling sick for months on end again terrifies me, I didn’t want to live, it felt like no life at all.
I’ve been reading quite a lot of news and that has made me despair at the state of the world. I think I need to be more conscious about what media I am consuming again.
I did my self therapy even though I really didn’t feel like it, and I thought dwelling on how I was feeling would make me feel worse. It didn’t! It was helpful to do and I’m really glad I’ve stuck with it.
Another random thing, I started learning Swedish on an app. I’m just doing 5 minutes a day. I have a friend in Sweden and I want to surprise her by being able to speak a little bit in our emails.
The sun has been shining (summer weather is often a trigger for low mood for me? Perhaps due in part to sensory sensitivity to the light and heat) but what has been really nice about that is the kids enjoying the garden and the paddling pool. We are very lucky to have some outdoor space and it reassures me to see them happy. I still feel a lot of guilt that we will be keeping my 4 year old off preschool. We are all just trying to make the right choices I guess and it’s so hard to know what that is sometimes.
Sophie Ellis-Bextor did her last Friday night kitchen disco this week, which has sent me into a tailspin that people will stop running virtual social events. I want them to carry on forever, I’ve been so much less isolated than I am usually.
I think often of others out there struggling with their mental health and I hope they know I’m rooting for them (I hope you know I’m rooting for you). I think this diary is helping me feel connected to other people struggling in similar ways.
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