Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 9: May 18th to May 24th
Hi all. I’ve been generally feeling more positive this week. I made the tough decision to keep my four year old off preschool for the rest of the school year (I also have a two year old at home). I feel lucky to have had the luxury of this choice, and I think it has been a relief to me to make a decision and know that’s it now – we’ll be mostly at home for the next three months. The fact of that – looking at it as three months – is very daunting! But I’m going to try to take it in sections: the next week is “half term break”, following that is seven weeks of term, and then the school summer holiday. My partner is a teacher, teaching remotely at a fee paying school, so we are still governed by school year structures. I’m grateful to have any structure right now. We are hoping hard they can continue working from home, and that’s the current plan from that school.
I did another self therapy check-in on Thursday. I found it harder to motivate myself to do it this week, but I did do it and I did find it useful. I decided that in the coming week I’ll focus on self esteem and tolerating uncertainty. I am trying to ask for reassurance less and reduce how much I unnecessarily apologise or overly explain myself to others. I have realised that doing these things was just affirming messages from the world that I am worthless or not okay the way I am. In fact, I’m not worthless. But it’s hard to believe that for any length of time.
I feel bad for not exercising more, which is something I’d never judge anyone else for. I feel like a failure because I used to run and now I don’t. I got physically ill and now I’m scared to go out at all so it’s hard to get into it. Why beat myself up for this at all? Isn’t life hard enough at the moment?
I’ve felt a bit tired and burnt out but it is the end of the half term. I usually feel that I crawl over the finish line of the school holidays. I’m hoping the next week will give me more chance to rest. Perhaps I need to have a think about what I need from the half term break. I’d like to do something nice with the kids, but I don’t actually want to risk going anywhere.
I’m off to get ready for a virtual Zoom cocktail party tonight! I’m loving the possibilities for remote connection that are springing up. I never want those to go away. I’ve always felt so isolated as I struggle to go anywhere. Most of my friends are online, and there are so many events happening now, it’s great.
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