I keep getting hit by waves of panic about everything.

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 5: April 20th to April 26th 2020

TW: Self harm; Alcohol / Sobriety, COVID deaths


I feel much calmer than last week. I have had fewer intrusive thoughts about self harm. 

I keep getting hit by waves of panic about everything. Today, I was making cornish pasties from scratch, which I find quite complicated, but at the same time my mind was spinning out about the cooker not working and my poor physical health and the pandemic and and and….

Are people getting well and staying well? Will this ever end?

I feel like they are laying the groundwork to get us back to work/school in a couple of weeks and I think it’s way too soon. So many more people are going to suffer and die. I can’t take it. 

A nurse friend of mine is volunteering as a companion to those dying of COVID without loved ones able to visit them. I have huge admiration for her compassion and strength and I feel small and selfish by comparison.  My therapist said I need to be more compassionate to myself. I ordered a book on mindfulness and BPD. I’m hoping it’s going to be helpful. I have one more therapy session, which will be in a week and a half by phone. It will be a session for planning next steps rather than resolving anything. I feel angry they are dropping me at a time I need so much support. I haven’t been able to make best use of it because my physical health was so bad. I need surgery but they can’t do it because of COVID.  I was given 12 appointments and I will have had 14. They said they were able to add a couple more, they said they are able to “use their discretion” about it. Two more sessions wasn’t enough. 

I’m bored of the jokes about drinking in lockdown. Some of us are just trying to stay sober and all I see is another generation of alcoholics being created. It’s just not funny.

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