These days, the rising sun sometimes brings heavy feelings of sadness and dread.

Eva’s #MadCovidDiaries Diary 24.4.2020

TW:

Sixth Week in Lockdown

Started off the day in a slump. Sleep erratic. Took a Zopi around 4am. Fall asleep reading a book. A Thousand Splendid Sun’s. Woke up on top of it. 

As my eyes settled in the daylight, I groaned. These days, the rising sun sometimes brings heavy feelings of sadness and dread.  Late morning, I exit out of my bed deciding to bake a cake. It was a good distraction. Banana bread, sometimes I think it’s a bit sweet. Shared the cake with my neighbour and friend.  It’s still a shock to see a familiar face there at my door. It feels wrong and confusing- even when maintaining safe distances. If I watch a movie and the actors hug or sit next to each other, I take a sharp intake of breath. I remind myself that the film was  pre covid19. 

Reading is an escape. 

Unusual experiences.

It’s amazing how my mind creates things for me to believe. It zooms in on synchronicities and meanings that I spend time in my head dismantling under logic. The voices discuss me. Sometimes I agree with them, other times I focus on life and reasons to live . 

Supervision was yesterday. It’s helpful to have a boss who is a psychologist. CBT techniques given to me like chocolates. Techniques I didn’t need to spend  years languishing for on an NHS wait list. She suggested  a ‘worry hour’. Time where I sit and indulge my mind for a while. Like letting the horse run around the paddock, until it tires. Set up a footstool and a cushion in the kitchen by the big window. There I let out my horse. 

It’s becoming harder for me to concentrate and we decided on shorter hours at work. My usual hours spread over three days instead of two is an OK option. Some days, I can’t believe how lucky I am to have the job I do now. My last one left me with invisible scars. I was bullied and micro managed out of there. Every Sunday, I cried and felt sick to my stomach. I’d moved my whole life across England, for a job I hated. 

My external world is more peaceful than my internal world and perhaps one day I’ll find some equilibrium. My mood is cycling a lot, which is really disorientating. I know there are times I celebrate my mind being peaceful and content. So knowing this is possible, helps me to hang on and take each day as it comes. 

I painted an Elizabeth Lennie inspired  watercolour the other day. A woman peacefully sat on the beach. I want to embody that image post covid19. 

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