I feel like the crux of sobriety for me is thinking I’m worthwhile and precious enough to not be harmed, that I deserve to be sober and unharmed.

Human Bean‘s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 4: Week 4: April 13th to April 19th 2020 

TW: Self harm; Alcohol / Sobriety

I managed to get out for a walk today. I’ve been too scared to leave my house for two weeks, even though I was allowed to go for a walk or for essentials.
I’m glad I got out. Maybe it was talking to friends about how they’d love to go for a walk and can’t (due to shielding), or maybe it was just the fear I’d lose the ability to leave my house at all (as it’s something I struggle with at the best of times). I’ll have to try to keep it up.

I walked for an hour and listened to The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober on my headphones. I really loved the quote she gave about how what you think is your crutch might actually be your shackle. I’m about a third of the way through the book now and she’s talking about what helped her get dry. 
I’m over 11 months sober from alcohol now. Another long time addiction(?) of mine was cutting myself. I did it habitually for 15 or 16 years and I’ve got a lot of scarring. This was made worse when I was drinking a lot too I guess, bad combination. 

Now, I haven’t done this for over five years and I feel like I definitely got to the point of feeling safe over it. Certain it would never again seem like an option for me. Now the thoughts of doing it are back. I never even thought I’d perceive it as a tempting thing any more. 

WTF is happening? Is it just the weird situation we’re all in, or is it the absence of the social pressure not to? It’s not a socially condoned addiction like drinking is. I mean I’m not going to do it right now, this isn’t an urgent cry for help. But I know with these things I’ve got to talk to people, shine a light on those dark thoughts, call out that bullshit because it’s insidious.

I feel like the crux of sobriety for me is thinking I’m worthwhile and precious enough to not be harmed, that I deserve to be sober and unharmed. Why don’t I feel I am worth that at the moment? I don’t know, but I guess acting like I am (by taking good care of myself) is a good countermeasure. 

I’ve mentioned these thoughts to my therapist but he couldn’t be less bothered. I’ve only got a couple of sessions left with him anyway. 
Right now I’m going to make a cup of tea and eat some cereal. I’m also going to have a shower shortly. Big plans! Self care big plans!

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