I was tempted to call the mental health duty desk this weekend but got put off by imagining exhausted care workers at the end of their tether, with yet another depressive soul.

Eva’s #MadCovidDiaries Diary 14.4.2020 02:31

TW: COVID, depression, suicide

‘Kintsugi’ means golden joinery. The Japanese art of taking broken crockery and joining it together again with gold. The repairs are visible, but that’s what makes them beautiful. Such a powerful metaphor to be taken from today’s therapy session. I’m lucky to have a therapist that saw me today and reminded me about Kintsugi. I often feel broken and damaged beyond repair. But she showed me a piece of art that was mended together with old pieces of denim and gold. She told me that although the pieces were damaged and broken, she had mended them together into something beautiful.

I wonder if I’m capable of being made into the same. I know therapy isn’t a passive process, but the concept she introduced to me has allowed me to have a kindle of hope. I cried during the session a lot today and we had to end early as I found it an exhausting session too. I felt blessed to be immediately in my safe space and access to my comfy chair and blanket. I remained in my chair for the rest of the evening, trying to read and slept on and off.

I like video counselling a lot. I like it because the stress of travelling isn’t there and I’m already in my safe space so my nerves are less. I’m nervous around people, even more so if I know I’m being ‘examined’, watched or held up for scrutiny. I know if I had to physically attend the session today, I would have
called it off. My therapist said to me once that the times I least feel like going to therapy, I should really force myself to go. I remember thinking it would be hard during a bout with depression to force myself there. For one, I only have access to a car club car, which can be expensive. Also the location is not very accessible with public transport. Secondly, I’m nervous about leaving my home and I think my previously dormant agoraphobia has been triggered. Anyway, having online counselling means I was able to have a powerful
and exhausting session today. I think it helped.

I was tempted to call the MH duty this weekend but got put off by imagining exhausted care workers at the end of their tether, with yet another depressive soul. So I didn’t call. I also resented the fact I hadn’t seen my CC for weeks. Granted she asked me to call if I needed anything, but that’s exactly how I cope when I’m struggling, to shut down and isolate myself. I also stop feeling worthy enough to call and get help for myself. Mental health team is a tricky thing to rely on. The fact that I’m questioning their support during a time of global and personal crisis is sad. I’ve shut myself off from my friends and deleted whatsapp from my phone. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being tracked on there.

Todays second effort was to make banana bread. I didn’t have enough sugar or bananas and I only had plain flour, but it came out ok. My scales broke so couldn’t really measure anything but I was proud of the way it turned out, a nice treat. I’m still pretty numb at times and tearful in others. I’m terrified of going into a video conference for a work meeting tomorrow. I’ve become isolated, which means I get hyper aware and stressed around others. I’ll be home so perhaps it will be ok?

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