Loved ones all over the world, devastated. Hollowed out by grief. A world that no longer looks and feels the same.

Eva’s #MadCovidDiaries Diary 10.4.2020

TW: COVID, depression, suicide

Nearly a month since lockdown.

I’m getting too used to hiding away..No one forcing me to go out anywhere. No need to be anywhere. Heard my neighbors having a laugh as I sat by the window earlier. They were having what sounded like a party.  ‘Well I’m glad you find something to laugh about’.

People can’t enjoy themselves now. It’s all too serious. Easter eggs are frowned on. Police are hunting for signs of fun in our shopping trolleys. Now we wear masks to feel safe. Danger lurks in plain clothes. Like the virus, it has no real face. What reality do I believe in now? There is reality in unreality.

Today, my past is all over my mind. How horrific it felt to be a child in my family. How I always carry around that horror and never can really put it down. Even though it burns me to carry it, I still hold on to it. Currently, there is a child learning to do the same. Learning about the love that is a mistake to believe in.

Slept a lot today. Feel nicely numb. Yesterday I felt my mood climb. Didn’t realise this would be so short lived. The crash was closer than I thought. I could feel the fall, over and over in my sleep. I Knew what feeling was waiting for me to realise this morning. It hid around me in my sleep. It slept beside me. It was the first thing I saw as my eyes opened.

I hear grumblings about mental health incidents. Suicides. Are we supposed to pretend our mental health is OK now just because the resources are no longer there? Or that the resources are there, you’re just not the one being invested in. There is little worth seen in investing in you. The same old rhetoric. A reminder that as a black woman, my needs don’t matter.

I see lots of reasons not to be here too. Look how awful the government has handled COVID-19. People are still dying in their thousands. Blame apportioned before responsibility is taken. The prospects going forward are pretty grim. What is there to stick around for?

My curiosity has always been huge, despite my advancing age. But my melancholy puts a filter over my future. My guilt for how I’m managing my own health is huge too. People will say I’m being selfish at this time. But it’s also about context and only I know the full extent.

How many more people died from the virus today? How many people died as a consequence? Loved ones all over the world, devastated. Hollowed out by grief. A world that no longer looks and feels the same.

This is all really happening.

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