I need surgery and I’m going to have to wait a long time for it thanks to the pandemic. There’s no support for my mental health over this whatsoever.

Human Bean’s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 3: April 6th to April 12th 2020 

TW: Transphobia


It’s been a bloody hard week. It was my birthday, which is always a bit weird at the best of times, mentally, emotionally. It’s Easter. I’d usually be seeing my family (which, OK, has it’s own challenges but I really miss them).

I had some bad news about my health, I need surgery and I’m going to have to wait a long time for it now thanks to the pandemic. There’s no support for my mental health over this whatsoever of course. My symptoms are currently moderate but I fear every day they will become severe again. 

The parent group I’m in is low key transphobic and it’s making me feel more isolated at a difficult time. How do I reconcile that some of the people I’m closest to, care the most about, support me, also fundamentally do not understand this part of me (I’m non binary) and have such drastically different views to me? It’s hard.  I try to get round it by compartmentalising to a ridiculous degree but it’s impossible to find the energy for that just now. I’m angry and alone over it. I can’t argue. I feel pushed out. 

No therapy session this week, I postponed it to next week because I’ve only got a couple of sessions left and I’m trying to spread them out. I also had my medical appointment (over the phone) and I didn’t think I’d have the capacity for both in one week; that was a good call. 

I tried to have a self therapy session, to take stock of how I’m doing with my therapy ‘homework’. I’ve been avoiding doing worry time because I feel so terrible emotionally that I don’t want to voluntarily turn my attention to worrying about things. I’m not sure what to do about that. 

Positive things have been baking, crafting, doing a jigsaw. Not so good things have been stressing about my health, the virus, and not managing to shower. 

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