It feels so absurd to sit at home and do activities like this isn’t the apocalypse.

Jess’s First #MadCovidDiaries 9.4.2020 (Jess lives in the US)

I have to admit I’ve been struggling lately. I know I’m not alone in that feeling, but solidarity from afar doesn’t make it much easier. I’ve been trying to stay busy, but I also know I’m not sleeping enough. The season change and the big change in routine is causing me to have some symptoms of mania. I think I am at least hypomanic, but managing. 

What a terrible time to also not be able to go see my therapist. Sure, we talk on the phone every few weeks, but it’s not the same. I’ve been trying to use some self help books too, but whenever i sit down to do them, all my energy has been used up. 

Self care is so important right now, but it also is the hardest to maintain at a time like this. I’m barely leaving my house, except for daily walks if anything. I went to the store for needed groceries today, and I almost burst out crying. I feel so much weight around me. 

I am healthy, and so are those close to me, but you can feel the death and disease surrounding us. It feels so absurd to sit at home and do activities like this isn’t the apocalypse. Who knew the end of the world would start so quietly. I know this time is hard for everyone, but I know it is hitting people with mental illness extra hard. Many people, like me, had come off of a recent episode and just finally started to get back to a normal life, of seeing friends and going out. I had finally graduated college, and I was looking for jobs. 

All of this feels like it is on an indefinite pause now. The uncertainty is the scariest part about all of this. We don’t know when this will end. We don’t know when, or if, we will see some of our loved ones again. This is an impossible feeling. I am so glad for projects like this that are trying to help during this time. But with so much good coming out during this time, there is just as much bad. I’m seeing the best and worst in people. But please, let’s all do our best. Let’s make the most of this time, even if that means taking this time to rest, and forge ahead with a better world. We can’t go backwards now. 

We need to do better.

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