I’m feeling quite tired and sad this week. I still feel like I’m in the midst of grief over everything and there’s more to come.

Human Bean’s #MadCovidDiaries – Week 2: March 30th to April 5th 2020 

I decide in the morning when I’m just getting up, whether I’ll go outside today. In the garden or out for a walk, I choose normal socks for fitting in shoes or big fluffy socks, for staying indoors all day. 

I keep having nightmares and waking up gasping for breath and sweaty. I think it’s like a panic attack in my sleep and it exhausts me for the rest of the day. It’s frustrating because I can’t do anything about it. There’s no chance to distract or try to calm myself down. I wake up and it’s too late, I’m full of adrenaline and my chest hurts and my jaw is sore from grinding my teeth together. 

It’s my birthday this week. Birthday weirds plus pandemic weirds all mixed up together. I’m still pondering that one, I guess I’ll let you know how it goes. 
We joined in an autistic online quiz tonight and I had a good time. I enjoyed the questions, though it went a little fast for me. But… then in the chat after, they were talking about covid and saying some really scary things that might (but might not!) happen and it played into all my worst fears. 

I don’t want to/can’t sleep now. It was just one guy driving the conversation and I wish I had said we needed to leave because it wouldn’t be good for my mental health to discuss it. They probably would have understood. I have been quite good at limiting my intake of news and social media this week otherwise and I think that has been a good thing. 

I also haven’t socialised as much and I’m trying to be more selective about what I join in with. I don’t have to join in with everything for fear of being totally isolated. I have joined in with a few things and enjoyed them because I had more energy for them. But overall I am feeling quite tired and sad this week. I still feel like I’m in the midst of grief over everything and there’s more to come. 

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One thought on “I’m feeling quite tired and sad this week. I still feel like I’m in the midst of grief over everything and there’s more to come.

  1. Well a belated birthday greeting anyway! And I hope your sleep patterns improve. I know what insomnia’s like, but mine is age related (71) I think. I’m finding I’m texting and letter writing more than usual, thinking of friends away from my home city and sending them a card with a picture that might cheer them up. To my delight, my 92 year old aunt promptly phoned me, and another friend sent a letter almost by return of post. I only got a smartphone a couple of years ago, and now I don’t know how a I managed without one. I’ve done a couple of Zoom meet-ups with union and community centre contacts which cheered me up. Just chatting about food deliveries and books helps. Politics is less soothing! And I have a mixed relationship with Twitter, finding both hilarious stories and beautiful photos, but also rage-inducing misinformation and bitter arguments. Still, it was worth the grim stuff to see all the photos of the wild goats that invaded the town of Llandudno, with a parked police van looking haplessly on!


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