Unless the cheese completely slides off my cracker, help ain’t coming.


Ellie’s #MadCovidDiary #Midnight Waffles 30.3.2020

The last few days i’ve been conscious of being very blasé when people ask how i’m doing. I say almost exactly the same thing every time; “ups and downs but, y’know, generally alright.” I don’t know why i keep avoiding giving a meaningful response. I guess it seems a bit futile. I feel worried about the lack of mental health support all round at the moment, it doesn’t seem to be on the government’s agenda whatsoever. Opening up that can of worms while i’m isolated and alone doesn’t feel very sensible.  Self preservation… or possibly avoidance, can’t be sure. 

I’ve had a lot of long phone calls/skypes with people where i’ve not said very much at all. I’m not clammering to share, I don’t even know what I want to say, but there’s not exactly been a lot of space to get comfortable enough to figure it out. I feel doubly drained from spending so many hours a day delving into other peoples wellbeing, which makes me feel like the shittest person in the world. I want to be there for people, but it’s overwhelming. I got to the point of just avoiding talking to anyone for the moment. 

I find it hard to know ‘how i am’ at the best of times. Truthfully, I haven’t got a bloody clue if I’m doing alright at the moment. What would constitute ‘alright’ under these circumstances? I didn’t feel alright before the lockdown. It feels extra confusing at the moment trying to figure out what’s an acceptable level of distress, and what would even be the point of figuring it out? Unless the cheese completely slides of my cracker, help ain’t coming.

I wrote a ‘self-care list’ with ideas of small things i can do for myself on a day by day basis (washing my face in the morning, Su Nim Tao, a 10 minute tidy, etc). I’m managing to do at least two ‘self-cares’ each day, and i’m congratulating myself (which sounds nice but feels utterly ridiculous)… but that only takes about 20 minutes! There are a lot of other hours in the day to lie about feeling shit. 

One small thing, a negative thought or a missed call (and the pressure to ring back), really knocks me off course for the rest of the day. I hoped that starting my period would alleviate some of my mood swings, I started taking St Johns Wart again too, but so far no relief. On the plus side, I think this is the first time in my life that I’ve actually managed to apply a mantra; one day at a time. AND, now I know what it takes for me to actually give myself a break; worldwide lockdown. I’m sure I’ll be able to organise that in the future when I’m feeling a bit stressed, right? 

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